id: appreciative-apology-repair
title: Appreciative Apology and Repair
description: >-
  A paired practice for delivering and receiving an apology so that repair
  actually occurs, drawing on restorative and Nonviolent Communication
  traditions. Distinct from a defensive or hollow apology.
source: Restorative communication tradition
source_url: https://www.iirp.edu/
tags: [apology, repair, restorative, communication]
forked_from: null
image: null
steps:
  - headline: Name the act specifically
    description: >-
      The person apologising names what they did in specific terms —
      "I raised my voice and called your idea foolish in the meeting" — not
      "I'm sorry if you were hurt."
  - headline: Acknowledge the impact
    description: >-
      They describe the impact they understand their action had, without
      minimising or explaining it away.
  - headline: Express genuine regret
    description: >-
      They express regret for the harm, not for being caught — naming what
      they wish they had done.
  - headline: Offer repair
    description: >-
      They offer a concrete act of repair — a correction to those present,
      a changed behaviour, a restitution — and ask if it would help.
  - headline: Receive and respond
    description: >-
      The person harmed receives the apology, names what they need (which
      may include time), and either accepts the repair or proposes an
      alternative.
outcome: >-
  An apology is delivered and received as repair, with both parties clear
  on what happened, its impact, and the path forward.
practice: >-
  "I'm sorry you felt" is not an apology. "I'm sorry I did" is. The repair
  must be offered, not imposed — ask what would help, then negotiate.